Sometimes secrets can be really fun.
In fact, I remember back when our daughter was four years old my wife and I kept a big secret from her. We were surprising her with a trip to Walt Disney World for her upcoming birthday, in conjunction with an estate planning conference. (Safe to say our daughter was much more excited about visiting the Disney parks than she was about my conference!)
Parenting often involves keeping secrets, right? Especially when the kids are little. While it was hard to keep the Disney secret, in the end it was absolutely worth it. The memories we made as a family are priceless and we all had a great time at the happiest place on Earth.
Keeping Secrets Can Lead To Unintended Consequences
Sometimes secrets lead to pleasant surprises like our fun Disney trip. But when it comes to more serious issues, such as critical care decisions, end of life wishes, and your overall estate plan, keeping secrets can have some unintended consequences.
If you become ill, incapacitated, or if you die, are you confident your loved ones will know what to do, who to call, and how to act?
Keeping Secrets Can Keep Loved Ones In The Dark
No one wants to be left in the dark. Especially not those who are in the position of making decisions for you in your absence. But if you haven’t articulated your wishes in advance in the form of an estate plan, then how will they know?
This may not have been a secret you intended to keep. These are difficult conversations to think about and to have with those closest to you. I get it. But if you don’t let them in on your wishes, then it just becomes a guessing game for your adult children — all because they weren’t in on the secret.
5 Things Your Kids Need To Know About Your Estate Plan
Skim this list and ask yourself if your kids know (or don’t know) what to do in these situations:
- Burial — Do your adult kids know whether you prefer to be cremated or buried? And, if you want to be buried, do they know where you want to be buried? Have you already purchased a cemetery plot? If you want to be cremated, do you have intentions or wishes for what is to be done with your ashes? These questions may be uncomfortable to think about or to answer, but they will be even more perplexing for your adult children if they have to make these decisions on their own. We can help. We make planning a little easier, and we have tips on how to start these conversations and make your wishes and intentions known —> Download our free funeral planning guide now to learn more.
- Who To Call — Do your adult kids know who your attorney is or how to contact them? And, is your attorney prepared to help tie up any loose ends and answer any questions…or were they simply hired to fill out forms and make them “official” during the planning stage? Connecting the dots now will help make the interactions between your attorney and your adult kids smooth and stress-free in the future.
- Assets — Do your adult kids and/or family know what your assets are? If you suddenly have a stroke or heart attack or are otherwise incapacitated, can they find all of this information quickly? An estate plan would include all of this information as well as direction for how you would like your assets to be handled, managed, or distributed.
- End of Life — Are your adult kids clear about what your wishes are for ending medical treatment or ending any kind of life support that may be part of your care? Also, do your adult kids know whether you want to be an organ donor or not? This is such a tender topic. Imagine how much stress you could alleviate and take off your adult children’s shoulders by making your wishes known ahead of time. What a gift to your loved ones.
- Your Plan — Do your adult kids know where to find your Will, your Trust, and/or Powers of Attorney? And if these important documents are in a safe deposit box, fireproof safe, or lockbox…will your kids be able to access them? Do they know the codes, passwords, or combinations? And once the plan is discovered, will they be surprised by anything? For instance, if there is more than one child, will they be surprised or upset about how you’ve divided up your assets for distribution or perhaps how you’ve allocated resources to charities? Unfulfilled expectations can sometimes lead to conflict between and among adult children. You can avoid any kind of resentment or riffs by having a clear plan in place and taking steps to inform your kids of your plan so there are no surprises.
So, after a quick glance at the bolded items in the list above, how do you feel? Do you think your kids have a pretty good read on the big picture so when the time comes, they’re prepared to act?
If not, that’s ok. Unfortunately, many people don’t take the time to talk to their kids about these issues. It can be difficult to get the conversation started but imagine the peace of mind you and your loved ones will have when there are no secrets and everyone is on the same page.
Getting Started => 5 Tips To Make Sure There Are No Secrets About Your Estate Plan
- Talk. This is the hardest part! Take a deep breath, set your intentions and your focus, and invite the kids over. You can do this.
Now is the time to have these important conversations with your kids about the realities of aging, potential illness and/or hospitalization or care facilities, and death. Need help getting started? There are some great conversation starters at The Conversation Project. You can also read more HERE. Carve out some time for these important conversations. Make them a priority. You’ll be so glad you did (and so will your kids). - Find an experienced attorney. We recommend working with an attorney who will keep your plan up to date through a membership program or a maintenance plan. By doing it this way, you don’t have to share all of your financial information with your kids now if you don’t want to. Rather, your attorney will provide it to them later. Learn more about our program HERE.
- Don’t assume ~ leave nothing unsaid. This is true when it comes to both the personal and impersonal things. It can be hard to recognize if your kids will know what to do or how to do it once you are gone. So the solution is to tell them what you expect now. Tell them things such as which advisor to rely on but also tell them the personal things that may be on your heart and mind that mean the most to you. These things can go a long way toward fostering greater peace and understanding among families.
- No surprises. Here’s where secrets can really be unintentionally damaging. Explain to your adult kids now what your intentions are regarding the distribution of your assets. No surprises. Let them hear it from you now that you are leaving your summer home to your oldest or leaving your antique art collection to your youngest rather than hearing it from an attorney later. This is your opportunity to explain your rationale or the context for your decision.
- Don’t just fill out a form! The first question your kids will have upon reading your plan is, “Why?” Avoid any confusion by including purpose statements in your Will or Trust. Tell them why you made the choices you made and why you set things up the way you did — and then personally explain in advance that this is your intent that the plan work a certain way.
Estate planning works much more smoothly when there are no secrets or surprises. You have the power to save your family a lot of money, stress, and heartache by doing a little work now.
Skip the secrets, be brave, and have the tough conversations. And then? Hire an excellent, experienced estate planning attorney to help you put your plan in place. Your family will thank you now, and they will be so grateful later.
Read more about how to avoid an estate battle after you’re gone HERE.